


Say You Love Me

by last_angel



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, Hurt, Time Loop, fluff later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-08-28
Packaged: 2017-12-24 21:56:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/945109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/last_angel/pseuds/last_angel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draft Kaworu takes his Shinji’s love for granted so it comes as a bit of a shock when anime Shinji and manga Shinji don’t react the same way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say You Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first try at a fanfic (and fluff) so I am apologizing beforehand for any OOCs and discrepancies in the storyline. I combined the major events from both draft 1 and 2 so in my storyline so there is only one draft Kaworu. It is assumed that he has been through four loops:
> 
> draft—->anime—->manga—->rebuild
> 
> The transitions are confusing on purpose.

**Say You Love Me**

 

The sky is an emerald green. The gentle sound of the ocean waves was the only thing that could be heard and only two lone figures stood at the edge of the empty beach. As Kaworu was buttoning the sleeves of his sailor suit Shinji noticed several lines of scars on his wrists.

“Hey. Why were you crying earlier? Are you afraid of the ocean?” Kaworu asked.

“ I don’t know.... I-I don’t know. I just thought I’d sink into the ocean and die.” Shinji responded, all traces of fear now gone as though it had just been a dream.

“Why-?”

“To tell you the truth, I was avoiding you. Next to you, I'm such a pathetic excuse for a person… I feel like I'm going to go crazy when I'm with you, but when I can't see you… I feel so, so anxious… And when I thought about how you shouldn't spend your life with someone as pathetic as me… I just felt like dying…”

Shinji fell silent. His thoughts were jumbled up and he could feel the heat radiating from his face. The sun had now set and all that could be seen were their silhouettes.

“I can't see your face now… Kaworu, I…”

“I'm sorry” Kaworu interrupted, “… I don't feel that way about you.”

There is a moment of silence and Kaworu decides it’s best to end things here.

“Let's go home separately. I don't want to hurt you any more.”

He turns to leave. The crash of the waves seemed to grow distant and Kaworu’s vision suddenly goes blurry as the memory of that time vanishes.

Kaworu is brought back to reality by the quiet pitter-patter of raindrops falling on his umbrella. Someone comes running from behind using their bag to shield themselves from the rain. It’s Shinji. Kaworu calls out to him and Shinji stops in his tracks. He raises his umbrella a bit and smiles. Shinji takes the invitation and joins Kaworu under his umbrella.

“Thanks.” Shinji smiles shyly.

“Heading to NERV?” Kaworu inquired.

“Oh. No, I was just- I wasn’t really heading anywhere.” Shinji looked down a forced smile on his face. “Well actually I was thinking of maybe going to the beach but-”

Kaworu stayed quiet.

“Usually I just go back home but I don’t really feel like going home these days.” Shinji confessed.

“May I come with you? To the beach.”

“Uh-.”

“Is that a no?”

“No yes. I don’t mean “no”.” Shinji’s face turns a bright shade of red.

Kaworu stops to look at Shinji who in return looks at him with a curious look. Kaworu just stands there staring. This, something seemed odd about this whole situation. It felt familiar but something was off.

“Kaworu?” Shinji asked nervously.

The rain stops and Kaworu puts away the umbrella and smiles at Shinji.

“Lets get going.”

They stand near the edge looking at the water glistening as the sunsets. The headless angel statue was standing just a few feet away from them.

Shinji let out a small chuckle.

“What is it?”

“This is were we first met.” Shinji smiled at him. “You were humming Ode to Joy. You were talking in riddles and I didn’t understand you but it was not unpleasant.”

Wait. Did they meet here? No! That’s not right. They had met at school in the middle of the night. Kaworu had been playing the piano. It was after they had evacuated Tokyo-3.

“Hey, how about a swim?” Kaworu asked. His voice came out surprisingly steady despite all the confusion in his head.

“A swim? Here?” Shinji asked.

“Yeah.”

“But I didn’t bring a swimsuit.” Shinji was rubbing his arm. He was obviously not comfortable with the idea.

“We can swim in the nude. No one else is here after all.” Kaworu encouraged.

“O-okay”

Kaworu headed for the water stripping off his sailor suit. He lies on his back and floats on the sparkling water feeling it move between his fingers. Shinji follows a bit later. As soon as Shinji is in the water Kaworu starts to head into deeper water but Shinji stops once he is waist deep.

“Come over here”

“I can’t go any further. I can’t swim.”

“It’ll be all right. Just hold on to me.”

This was how it was supposed to be. Kaworu’s uneasiness was starting to subside. He felt more in control now.

Shinji enters the deeper water and Kaworu is ready to see him drown like he did before but as soon as Shinji falls into the water Kaworu grabs on to him and pulls him up. Shinji resurfaces with a gasp and clings on to Kaworu with an iron grip.

“See. I’ve got you.” Kaworu whispered in his ear.

Shinji laid his head on Kaworu’s shoulder and let out a shaky laugh. “Y-yeah.”

Though he was still shaking Shinji slowly loosened his grip on Kaworu’s arms and allows some water to come between their bodies. Shinji gives Kaworu a warm gentle smile.

“We should head back now.” Shinji points out and Kaworu realized the sun was just about gone. Kaworu helps Shinji float back to the shore careful never to let go of him until his feet could touch the ground. They put dried themselves off and put their clothes back on. Kaworu was buttoning the sleeves of his sailor suit when he hears Shinji behind him.

“Well good-bye.”

Kaworu swivels around but Shinji is already gone. He looks around frantically but the sun has already set. It’s dark and there is no trace of Shinji. There were no footsteps in the sand and the umbrella was gone.

He couldn’t have left that fast! He couldn’t have just disappeared!

Kaworu walks back to the school. He didn’t know why but he felt he would find Shinji at the school. It was the only place that seemed familiar to him.

Kaworu roamed the halls his heart beating fiercely in his chest. He looked in every classroom but Shinji was nowhere to be found. He keeps searching getting more anxious by the moment. The next door he throws open with too much force and it bangs against the wall. Again no Shinji and he turns to leave when he sees a piano.

He was in the music room.

Kaworu took a deep breath and walks to the piano gliding his long fingers along the edge. He had calmed down now. This room seemed to sooth him, he felt safe. He sat on the stool and started to play. He felt the ivory keys giveaway underneath his fingers as the piano sung his song. He becomes lost in the music with every note that comes out engulfing him in peace when he feels a gaze.

“Is someone there?”

Someone stands behind the door peering in.

“Who are? You are not a student of this school are you?” said person asks accusingly.

Shinji!

“I’m a transfer student.”

“Transfer student?” Shinji looked at him suspiciously.

“I brought my transfer papers where the school was supposed to be, but as I suspected, not a soul is here.”

This Shinji is slightly different. His eyes are brown not blue.

“Everyone was sent away to Tokyo-2. Both the teachers and students.” Shinji still seemed uncertainty. He walked in the room but made no move to come closer.

“Why are you still here?”

“I was left behind.”

“Ha-ha. Poor thing.”

An ominous sound fills the building. It sounds as though the school is weeping.

“The wind...” Shinji says unfazed.

“I thought it might have been the sound of spirit voices.” Kaworu suggests.

“Spirit voices?” Shinji eyes Kaworu from head to toe as if he were some kind of nutcase.

“Didn't you know? In the dead of night in the school gymnasium, you can hear voices making merry.” Kaworu answers cheerfully.

Shinji rolls his eyes, turns and walks off leaving Kaworu alone in the dark room once again confused.

The next day he is at NERV. They just finished their sync tests and the hatchet opens. Shinji gets out and hurries to leave. Kaworu watches him from behind and heads to the bath were Shinji was. Shinji is already inside the bath when Kaworu gets there.

“You always head off before everyone.” Kaworu points out as he’s taking off his clothes.

Shinji averts his eyes from Kaworu's naked body blushing and with something like a scowl on his face.

“I wonder are you avoiding me?”

“I'm not avoiding you.” Shinji retorts annoyed.

“You’re such a liar. You totally are.” Kaworu snaps.

“I said I’m not!” Shinji snaps back.

Kaworu is surprised. This Shinji is a lot more aggressive and he always furrows his eyebrows the moment he sees Kaworu.

“Is it always like this? Like, kind of tense? Kaworu continues.

“Tense?”

“Both Lieutenant Katsuragi and you.”

“That’s none of your business”

“You’re pretty stiff.”

Shinji sighs annoyed and gives in. “A lot of stuff has happened. Before you came, Mr. Kaji and Ayanami, they…”

“What happened to the First?”

“Never mind.” Shinji reconsiders.

“Tell me.” Kaworu pushed.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh, so it’s confidential.”

Shinji rolls his eyes and ignores him. Kaworu enters the bath next to Shinji and tries to continue the conversation.

“But, it's made you pretty timid when it comes to human contact.”

Shinji meets his eyes and gives him a sneering look. He was contemplating whether or not to humor Kaworu.

“I’ve always been like this. If I don't know someone, we can't betray or hurt each other.”

“But isn’t that kind of lonesome.”

Surprisingly Shinji smiled. It was barely there and it only lasted a moment but what surprised Kaworu were his eyes. They were empty and seemed kind of tired, so very tired.

“Let me see your hand.” Kaworu said abruptly. It took Shinji a while to process the command and offered his right hand.

“Your left hand.”

Shinji obliges and lets Kaworu examine his hand. Shinji’s eyes widen a little when he notices several scars on Kaworu’s wrist but Kaworu doesn’t notice.

“You have callouses on your fingertips.”

“It’s from playing the cello.” Shinji answers somewhat distracted, his eyes still on the scars. There were quite a few both healed and some that seemed rather fresh.

“Cello?”

“I play a little.” Of course Kaworu already knew that but he wasn’t really sure why he knew it. He had already had all these conversations with Shinji but Shinji wasn’t answering the way he remembered.

“How lovely.”

He didn’t know why but all day he had been trying to make Shinji react a certain way which didn’t make sense because there was no clear goal in mind. He just felt uncomfortable the way Shinji had been acting towards him. He had been rather open and sweet at the beach and now he was being more reserved and defensive. Like it was a completely different person but at the same time not that different. Yet neither personality was correct.

Kaworu still had Shinji’s hands in his and was unknowingly caressing it. Shinji stayed quiet and watched Kaworu drift off deep in thought.

“Kaworu?”

“Hmmn?”

“Could I have my hand back?”

Kaworu looked down at their hands still in a daze.

“Please?”

He looked from their hands to Shinji, who was waiting for his hand to be released. Kaworu let go and just as Shinji was about to say his thanks Kaworu leaned in for a kiss.

Shinji won’t refuse me. He didn’t last time.

Last time?

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” Kaworu felt the jab to his chest as Shinji pushed him away.

Kaworu froze wide-eyed and completely stunned.

“DON’T YOU EVER TRY THAT AGAIN OR I’LL PUNCH YOUR TEETH OUT!!!”

Shinji stood up and stormed off furiously. The door closed behind him and the lights turned off leaving Kaworu behind in the dark.

Shinji...he...he rejected...me.

 

HE REJECTED ME!!

NO! NO! NO! That is not MY Shinji. Something is wrong. Shinji wouldn’t treat me like this. My Shinji is shy. He doubts himself. He rejects himself. My Shinji needs me. HE LOVES ME. HE SAID HE LOVED ME!

Kaworu felt dread overcome him. His chest felt tight as though someone was pressing down on him and his breaths came out short. Something was terribly wrong. He decided to go after Shinji and demand an explanation as to what was going on. This was not Shinji. Not the right one at least. However, as soon as he stood up his vision blurred and he fell back into the water. He felt it rushing by his ears and he was engulfed in bubbles. Then it all went black.

His body sank deeper and deeper but he did not feel the need to breath. Nor was the water cold and it wasn’t crushing him. Actually, he came to realize he was not sinking but rather floating. He could feel his body again. He could feel his arms wrapped around his legs with his head tucked in. He was curled up in a fetal position.

Slowly he opened his eyes. It took a moment for his vision to adjust but when it did it was clear he was not in the bath. He was in a lab. It was dark but the soft glow of computer screens and medical equipment gave off just enough light to let him know he was alone and abandoned.

The room was a mess. The tables were flipped over and papers were spread across the floor as if there had been a break in or a fight. His thoughts were as chaotic as the room. He wasn’t sure what had happened to this lab nor did he care all that mattered was finding Shinji. But how he couldn’t get out? He was trapped inside a....tube? He touched the glass. It felt so familiar. It felt normal being here. Kaworu closed his eyes and placed his forehead on the glass and squeezed his eyes shut trying to remember what had happened.

Think. THINK. THINK!!!

His memories came back in flood. Shinji, the DSS chocker, the double-entry plug, he remembered it all. He remembered dying for the fourth time. He remembered Shinji’s crying face. Now he understood. He had only been dreaming. Everything that happened at the beach, the school, at NERV it had all just been a dream. His mind seemed to have mixed the events from his first loop with the Shinjis from the second and third loop. Haha, it had all just been a stupid mix up. Probably because of how long he had been cut off from everyone.

After dying this last time he had been sleeping for a long time. So long. He had been alone trapped here for such a long time only thinking on how he had failed again. He had been sure he would succeed this time. He thought he could finally bring Shinji happiness. He had finally learned his lesson not to leave Shinji behind. He had learned that it was not the best choice to ask Shinji to kill him time and time again. He only broke Shinji further by leaving him behind. That is not what Shinji had wished for. It was what he had wished for so this time he decided not to force Shinji to kill him if it ever came to it. This time he comforted Shinji like he had in the second loop but he also gave Shinji his space, which he had neglected to do in the third. This time he had been able to get closer to Shinji so why? WHY?! Why did he have to die?

Because he was never supposed to live a long life. It wasn’t his purpose. Even if Shinji had refused to kill him those other times Seele would have killed him. His life was always going to be short lived and the time granted to him was never enough to make Shinji happy.

Anger filled him up. He could feel his blood boiling inside of him. He hated Seele and Gendo Ikari. He hated them and cursed them. It was because of them that Shinji couldn’t be happy. Because of them Shinji had to suffer rejection and isolation. It was their fault!

Enraged he banged the glass wall that entrapped him. He screamed, bubbles of LCL coming out of his mouth as he slammed the glass with all his might. He released his hatred and frustration on the glass tears forming in his eyes. His knuckles turned red and the skin started to tear. Pain shot through his arm but he didn’t cease his attack. His punches grew tired and hopeless until he stopped.

“Why? I know now Shinji. I know I shouldn’t have left you alone. I know I shouldn’t have asked you to kill me. It wasn’t your fault it was mine. It’s all because of me. Because I am an angel, because I am not human. Because I was not born like you. For you. But I learned. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes. I comforted you. I accepted you. I loved you.”

Kaworu retreated once again into a fetal position and began to sob quietly. He clenched his hair in desperation and implored.

“Once more. Just once more. I beg of you......say that you love me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to send any constructive criticism or suggestions so that I may improve my fanfic writing.
> 
> This was my attempt at fluff, an obvious fail, so I'll try and write a sequel to make up for it.


End file.
